Toronto

This movie is the cinematic equivalent of a 12-year old boy whose mother goes away for the weekend and leaves him $1000 emergency money, and then the little brat goes and spends every last dime on all kinds of useless garbage he doesn't need or really want, but spends it anyway. Honestly, I don't think I saw a single frame where something wasn't flying or smashing through walls and windows or getting electrocuted or mutating into a hideous beast or exploding towards the screen. The movie was atrocious from beginning to end, with maybe about fifteen total minutes of interesting material to hate less than the rest. The acting was bad, the accents were bad, the dialogue made The Phantom Menace look like something Quentin Tarantino might have written, the effects were exhaustively overused and too fast and dark to really see just how bad they probably were. Occasionally, I fall asleep during movies, even great ones. Here, I begged for sleep, NAY, I begged for DEATH. I received neither. What I did receive was, to quote my friend: "lost time that will forever be measured against the total years of my life." It was not as bad as Jeepers Creepers 2, because there were at least some nice landscapes to marvel at, but it was way worse than The Core or even The Passion Of The Christ. Yup, Van Helsing was the second worst movie of the 21st century so far. I hated it even more than I hated Charlie's Angels 2, and I think whoever holds the estates of Bram Stoker and Mary Shelley ought to sue the jam out of Universal for this idiotically redundant exercise in excess and brainlessness. You'll note more creativity and cleverness watching an episode of The Bachelor than you will watching these two hours of purgatory. Bless my soul, I didn't deserve this!

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